


Sarcastic Dicking

by Tindomerelhloni



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Angry John Watson, Crack, Crack Fic, Dicks, Experiment, Ficlet, Fluff, Husbands, I suck at tagging, John Watson - Freeform, Johnlock - Freeform, M/M, No Smut, Sarcasm, Sherlock Holmes - Freeform, clueless Sherlock holmes, establisned relationship, married
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-18
Updated: 2016-08-18
Packaged: 2018-08-09 14:35:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,042
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7805632
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tindomerelhloni/pseuds/Tindomerelhloni
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>So, a bit of backstory. I run a small fanpage on Facebook called Johnlock Hell. I always warn if what I post is going to be NSFW and some assbutt reported one of my posts resulting in me getting a 3 day ban from Facebook and Facebook messenger. </p><p>Needless to say, I was pissed. My first day back, I spammed my page with as many NSFW posts as I could along with sarcastic comments like "omg porn" then thanked everyone for putting up with me sarcastically flinging dicks in their face. </p><p>Sooo... This is just a short little thank you to everyone on my page :-D</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sarcastic Dicking

"Dicks. There are dicks in the fridge." John hung his head and leaned heavily against the freezer side of the refrigerator.

"Mmm." Sherlock didn't even bother to look up from the microscope. He simply adjusted the magnification and made a tick on a pice of paper.

"Why are there dicks. In our fridge?" John let the door close with a thud as he whirled around to stare at his flatmate. "Heads, tongues, thumbs, now this?"

"It's-” Sherlock's began, but was cut off by the disgruntled doctor.

"For an experiment. Obviously." He stared at Sherlock, waiting for the detective to explain further, but apparently "for an experiment" was code for "anything goes" in their house.

"Fantastic, just lovely..." John muttered as he opened the fridge and tried not to stare at the (uncovered) bowl of male reproductive organs sitting directly next to the milk. Careful not to disturb the bowl he pulled the carton out and placed it on the counter next to his half made mug of tea. As he added a splash of milk to the amber liquid an image of one of the larger dicks flashed into his mind.

He must have made a noise, or have done something of interest, because when he looked up from his now suspiciously creamy tea, Sherlock was watching him with such an intensity that it nearly made John forget he was angry. However, as John replaced the milk back beside the overflowing bowl he remembered exactly why he was angry. There were dicks. In his fridge.

"Get rid of... them..." He growled as he slammed the fridge shut, ignoring the way one of the larger dicks wiggled as the door swung shut. "Now."

"But..." Sherlock looked up at John, giving him the pure undeniable look of an injured puppy begging for a scrap of meat.

"No buts, Sherlock! I'll not have some man's reproductive organ in my fridge!" As if that were all it took to get his way, John scooped up his tea and began making his way out of the kitchen.

"Why? Because you're envious of their size?" Sherlock tilted his head to the side and blinked innocently as John spun around so fast his tea sloshed over the side of his mug. "It's clear that you feel intimidated by them."

"Intimidated? By severed dicks? Are you kidding me right now, Sherlock?"

"Well, they aren't as much severed as they were surgically removed post-mortem."

"Oh! Well now, that makes it sooo much better!" John retorted with a grim smile on his face. "And no!" he added indignantly, " I'm not jealous of a bowl of 'surgically removed' dicks!"

"Oh?" Sherlock raised his eyebrows and sat back in his chair with the air of a man who knows something the other didn't. "You mean to tell me, that as you were pouring milk into your tea, you weren't imagining the milk to be ejaculate?"

"Wha- how? Nevermind!" John shouted and, forgetting that he was still holding a scalding hot cup of tea, flung his hands into the air, effectively showering himself in the burning liquid.

Angry, and now covered in tea, John slammed his empty mug down on the table so hard that it made Sherlock's glass measuring cups and beakers rattle. With forceful steps that echoed throughout the kitchen he made his way back to the fridge and pulled out the offending bowl of body parts.

"Here, you like dick so much, shove these up your arse." John grumbled and dropped it gracelessly onto the table between Sherlock and his microscope. The bowl bounced once, twice, then spun a few times on the base, much like a top. But, before it settled, one of the large cocks flopped out of the bowls and landed on Sherlock's lap. They exchanged one long horrified look then Sherlock's low rumbling laughter filled the room.  
  
"If you're quite done sarcastically flinging dicks at me, John," Sherlock chuckled and draping a napkin over the penis now sitting on his leg and placing it back in the bowl, "we can discuss where you suggest I keep these. They require refrigeration in order for my experiment to not be contaminated."

"Mrs. Hudson's fridge? She ran a cartel, God knows she's probably seen her fare share of dicks." John managed to get out between deep huffs of laughter. "Or, we turn my old room into a lab? Hell, you could have a different fridge for every body part for all I care."

"That would hardly be an efficient use of the space, John. Two fridges will do!" Sherlock grinned, standing quickly he nearly knocked the bowl over in his haste to pick it up. "Put this back in the fridge, then get your coat!"

"Where are we going?" John asked and in his confusion he forgot to be upset over the fact that he now, literally, had an armful of dicks.

"Shopping! If I'm to have a lab, I'll require your assistance in carrying everything! Now quickly, those specimens need to go back in the fridge before you spoil the experiment!" Sherlock waved wildly at the fridge as he dashed off to get both his and John's jackets. "And was your face! It was probably best that you didn't drink that tea! The milk may have been contaminated!"

"For fucks sake..." John grumbled as he tossed the bowl back into the fridge and ran into the bathroom for a quick wash. Minutes later, as they were making their way out the front doors, and into a cab that had magically stopped the moment Sherlock's hand went into the air, John began laughing.

"Sarcastically flinging dicks at me? Jesus!" John had to wipe a tear from his eye and bite his lip as he settled into the back of the cab. "Bet you never thought you'd ever have the chance to utter those words at, well, anyone."

"Well, as I always say, there is nothing better than a sarcastic dicking." Sherlock chuckled and glanced over at his husband giving him a playful wink.

"I'll remember that tonight, when you say you're too tired for sex." John giggled and slipped his hand over Sherlock's on the set between them. "I can be quite sarcastic when I put my mind to it, darling."


End file.
